I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
