she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
