i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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