My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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