Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
