you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize