Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
