i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Swine flu is the new snow day.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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