I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize