New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You need Xanax blowdarts
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
