I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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