can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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