Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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