I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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