I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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