I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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