Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
