No stitches, just platelets and will power
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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