in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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