I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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