Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
