I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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