So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
