After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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