Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
