I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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