My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
