So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize