you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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