Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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