i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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