dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
