Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
