im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
