Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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