I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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