One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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