im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize