you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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