just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
