first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
