guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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