My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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