Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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