She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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