Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
