saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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