I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
