If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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