where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Ambien. No doubt about it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
