taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
