Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
