I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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