I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
