It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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