a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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