Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
